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‘Crazy, Stupid, Love’ (Jacob): “So now I’m going to ask if I can buy you another drink”

“I find you incredibly sexy. It’s a fact, not a cheesy pick-up line.”

“Four days ago… I lost a major American shoe company… well you could round it off to one billion dollars.”

“You’re a better guy than this. I can see it in your eyes.”

“Say mind if I use your phone? Figure I better check on the kids. No telling what devilment they’ve gotten up to.”

“First I was a tomboy. I used to climb trees and beat up my brother Tom.”

A comedic monologue from the play, ALMOST, MAINE, by John Cariani

“Hey! I’m looking around. I gotta get used to things. I’m not ready to sit. I’m too nervous to sit.”

“It’s not at all like me and Nikki”

“I just can’t believe Nikki’s teaching that book to the kids.”

“So, listen, I’m sorry that I didn’t come see you down at the hospital.”

“I think you’re ready to hear a little story about a girl named Megan who didn’t have a very good time in high school.”

“Chris Lonner’s birthday party. You were a hot young lawyer… and I was working in research at the New York Times.”

“My mom came and got me the next day to pick me up. I never talked to Aunt Denise again.”

“Well obviously I can’t take this. I mean, I didn’t do it for the money anyway…”

“You’re too perfect and you’re too imperfect.”

“Anyway it’s not just the sex. It’s that…this guy knows me.”

“I remember the summer after my mother passed was the first year they had the Monopoly game at McDonald’s.”

“I’m very attractive. I am. I’ve always been that way but it’s no great big deal to me—if anything, it’s worked against me for most of my life.”

“In the dream I’m drowning. But I don’t know it at first. At first I hear water and I imagine it’s going to be a lovely dream.”

“No, I don’t. I hate it. Actually, do you want to know what I really hate?”