’30 Minutes or Less’ (Dwayne)

DWAYNE: I remember the summer after my mother passed was the first year they had the Monopoly game at McDonald’s. I musta come here three times a day trying to collect all the game pieces. Packed on 20 pounds, got acne from all the grease. The Major said I was the fattest, ugliest 13-year-old he ever laid eyes on. But I didn’t care, I just wanted to win the money and get the f— out of there. So, one night, I followed this skinny register kid home, jumped him. I kept whaling on him, asking him where they were hiding the Park Place piece. The million dollar prize. But he didn’t know s—. A year later, The Major won the lotto. I asked him for a Sega Genesis. He bought me one of those paddles with the ball attached.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve gone through some dark times since then. Depression. Addiction to a variety of s—, which I won’t go into. I know you must think that’s pretty silly, especially since you manage to get through the day and you don’t got s— going on as compared to me. But that’s just the way it is. That’s life.

More Monologues from ‘30 Minutes or Less’

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