‘The Performers’ (Chuck Wood)

'The Performers' by David West Read

From: Play

Type: Comedic

Character: Chuck Wood, an aging adult film star

Gender: Male

Age Range: 50's | 60's

Summary: Set during the Adult Film Awards in Las Vegas. Lee, a tabloid journalist, attends to interview his old friend-turned adult film star Mandrew. Lee's fiancee Sara, who is having doubts over her relationship, seeks advice from Mandrew's wife Peeps. When the night takes an unexpected turn and relationships are threatened, adult film stars Chuck Wood and Sundown step in to lend a hand.

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CHUCK. Oh boy, I promised Black Attack I wouldn’t cry, but . . . I was not expecting this. (Composing himself.) When I was a boy, I told my father that I was going to be the first Jew in the Basketball Hall of Fame, or a famous rock star, like Neil Diamond or Barry Manilow. My father looked at me and said, “Good for you, son, but some people don’t give a s— about basketball. Some people don’t even listen to music.” I know I don’t. Pointless. “But,” he said, “there’s one thing you can count on. One thing that unites every human being on this planet and it’s this: Everybody f—. So if you’re the best at f— … you’re the best human being.” (Beat.) I did not understand these words at the time —– I was only six — but when I made my first adult film in 1978, I thought of my father. Not at the time of shooting, of course, but in a general sense. The film was Bad News Boner. For my bone-tastic performance, I was awarded the Best New-Comer trophy, but sadly, my father died one week before the ceremony. I was devastated. I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t understand that the answer was right in front of me. (Looking out.) It was you. My fellow performers. You’ve opened your hearts and your legs to me, and while I keep giving it to you, you keep giving everything to me. So Papa, if you can hear me up there, I want you to know this: I may be the best human being. I may be the best at f—. But I’d be nothing without all the people that I’ve f—. (Holds up his award.) Thank you, have a wonderful night!

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