‘The Goodbye Girl’ by Neil Simon

The Goodbye Girl Monologue

'The Goodbye Girl' by Neil Simon

From: Movie

Type: Dramedy

Character: Elliott

Gender: Male

Age Range: 20's | 30's

Summary: A frustrated Elliott explains what he thinks of his roommate, Paula.

More: Watch the movie

Click Here to Download the Monologue

Elliott: Will you listen very, very carefully to me? Just for once. This may be the last time I ever talk to you. Not everyone in this world is after your magnificent body, lady. In the first place, it’s not so magnificent. It’s fair, but it ain’t keeping me up nights, you know? I don’t even think you’re very pretty. Maybe if you smiled once and awhile, okay, but I don’t want you to do anything against your religion.

And you are not the only person in this city ever to get dumped on. I myself am a recent dumpee. I am a dedicated actor, Paula, you know? I am dedicated to my art and my craft. I value what I do. And because of a mentally arthritic director, I am about to play the second greatest role in the history of the English-speaking theater like a double order of fresh California fruit salad. When I say “nice,” I mean “nice”, you know, decent, fair. I deserve it, because I’m a nice, decent and fair person. I don’t wanna jump on your bones. I don’t even want to see you in the morning.

But I’ll tell you what I do like about you, Paula: Lucy. Lucy’s your best part. Lucy is worth putting up with you for. So here is fourteen dollars for the care and feeding of that terrific kid. You get zippity-doo-dah! You want any money? Borrow it from your ten-year-old daughter. I am now going inside my room to meditate away my hostility toward you. Personally, I don’t think it can be done.

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