‘Fleabag’ (Martin): “I am not a bad guy!”

FLEABAG by Phoebe Waller-Bridge

George Carlin and ‘The Paradox of...
George Carlin and ‘The Paradox of Our Age’

From: TV Show

Type: Comedic

Character: Martin, is an alcoholic and terrible husband.

Gender: Male

Age Range: 40's | 50's

Summary: Martin confronts Claire after finding out she is leaving him.

More: Watch the Episode

Click here to download the monologue

Martin: Listen to me. I just, I have a little speech that’s building here.

Now, I know you look at me and you see a bad man with a big beard. Fine. I tried to kiss your sister on her birthday. Fine! I mix up birthdays and I have an alcohol problem just like everyone else in this f*****g country, but I am here and I do things. I pick up Jake from s**t. I make dessert for Easter. I organized the downstairs toilet. I fired the humming cleaner. I hoovered the car. I put up all your certificates and I don’t make you feel guilty for not having sex with me.

I am not a bad guy! I just have a bad personality. It’s not my fault. Some people are born with f****d personalities. Look at Jake. He is so creepy. It’s not his fault! Why the bassoon? You want to know what the bassoon is!? It’s a cry for help!

The main f*****g problem here is that you don’t like me. And that has been breaking my f*****g heart for 11 years. I love you. I make you laugh. I’m a douche, but I make you laugh. You said that that was the most important thing!

I think the thing that you hate the most about yourself is that you actually love me. So, I am not going to leave you until you are down on your knees begging me.

Oh man… I didn’t think you’d do that in that dress. Right. Well, I guess the only thing left for me to say is… F**k you.

From FLEABAG, Season 2 Episode 6

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