OLIVE: Remember how I told you Google Earth couldn’t find me if I was a ten story building? Well, the next day it could’ve found me if I was dressed as a needle at a haystack convention. I was now the center of attention and it felt pretty damn good.
If I’d known losing my virginity would’ve created such a new awesome persona for myself, I’d have lied about it back in eighth grade. Eighth grade sucked. I did get my first kiss back then, however. It was gross and kind of turned me off to the whole my-tongue-in-other-people’s-mouths thing. Not to mention the even-worse other-people’s-tongues-in-my-mouth thing. Seriously, who invented kissing and why do people want to do it so much? It’s not like that’s how we procreate. Back then I didn’t know that of course. If I’d known Woodchuck Todd was going to turn out so hot, I probably would have cherished the moment more.