Review: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” or whatever it’s called

Autobots. Decepticons. Cybertron.

Three words I hope to never hear or type again.

Directed by Michael Bay, Transformers: Dark of the Moon stars Shia LaBeouf, an incredibly hot chick who can’t act Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel, Patrick Dempsey, John Malkovich (huh??) and Frances McDormand (wtf??) in one of the biggest wastes of time to hit the movie screens this year.

Can you tell I hated it?

I honestly sat here at my laptop for 5 minutes looking at a blank screen trying to figure out something nice to say about it but I just couldn’t do it. I love movies. I love when the theater lights go down and the studios logo flashes on the screen and the first images of the credits roll. I know what it takes to make a movie; the hard work, long hours and dedication of the crew, so I honestly don’t like walking out of a theater not liking something – anything! – from a movie.

But… dag. I can’t find one good thing about this.

For the first 20 minutes I had absolutely know idea what was happening. It was all a big jumble. I looked around the theater to see if other people had the same problem but with the damn 3D glasses I couldn’t see a thing. On a side note, do they make 3D glasses for kids? Because I think I accidentally got a pair and wore them for this showing.

The story, or at least what I could piece together, is that the Apollo 11 mission was actually a mission to recover some kind of lost… thing (it may have had a bot or con or tron in the name) that landed on the moon. The world has been duped and only 35 people in the whole world knew the real intention of going to the moon. Until now.
Then, somehow something happens and one of the Transformers goes to the moon to retrieve another Transformer to bring it back to Earth so Frances McDormand can do something with it.

Whatever. Blah blah blah. Then an hour and a half later, there’s a big hour-long battle that destroys Chicago.

That’s the plot.

I usually can tell you the story of a movie quite succinctly but like I said, I had no idea what was going on. I was either bored, couldn’t follow what was happening, waiting for the good 3D that Bay had promised was going to show up on-screen or wondering how much McDormand and Malkovich got paid to be in this.

One thing I will give the film is that it does look great. Bay has always filmed shots beautifully. The landscapes, buildings, Transformers and people all look stunning. If I were in a Michael Bay movie, I would look gorgeous.

Speaking of, how in the hell does LaBeouf’s character Sam get these incredibly hot girls? He’s a douche. Sure, he’s got a car that turns into a robot…. Ok, I guess that’ll score you some point with the ladies?

Speaking of Sam’s girl, let’s talk about Huntington-Whiteley. It’s not so much that she’s bad in movie, it’s just that she shouldn’t be in movie. She’s so amazingly hot that whenever she’s on-screen you can’t help but wonder what she see’s in Sam and it get’s you mad. There is one scene where all hell is breaking loose. People and Transformers are dying. Things are blowing up and Bay has a shot of her staring off at the action, face towards us with everything going on in slow-motion. The shot goes on for 30 seconds and she is just staring at us (the audience). It was both ridiculous and cringe-worthy and I actually felt bad for her. In fact, people were snickering in the audience.

But, with everything that I’ve written, people at the screening clapped at the end. Maybe they liked it? I’m assuming they clapped because it was over.

: Michael Bay

Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, John Malkovich, Patrick Dempsey, Ken Jeong, John Turturro, Frances McDormand, Peter Cullen, Tyrese Gibson

Writers: Ehren Kruger

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